My cat gives me a boner
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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