Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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