Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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