Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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