So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
