i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
