I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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