we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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