All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
