I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
