paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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