I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
