gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
