last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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