This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
