youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
