Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
