you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
