i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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