She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think people are normalizing furries
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
