sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
