Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the day after is always just damage control
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
