after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
