Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
