Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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