How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
