she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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