Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
