The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
