i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
