She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
