I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
