and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
