I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
