dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
