omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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