my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
