can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
