I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
