This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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