I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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