If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
time to smoke my breakfast
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
