New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize