But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
