New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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