I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
