my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
