take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
