I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My ass is underappreciated
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
