You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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