I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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