i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We're too hungover to prance.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
