broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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