Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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