Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
