...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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