Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize