Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
