Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
