tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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