At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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