I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
