Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
